It was the time when I worked at Thornfield. I was about sixteen years old.
It was a great time there… I had much to do there, much work, but Thornfield was absolutely the place I like best from all the places I’ve ever worked. I liked the surrounding there and also the people. At first, my life at Thornfield was quiet. My only companions were my pupil, Adele, the young French ward of the absent Mr. Rochester, and Mrs. Fairfax; which I would describe as a kind, simple and unimaginative elderly widow. She was Mr. Rochester’s housekeeper and I really liked her. She was always very frank to me and I liked the friendly way she treated Adele and me. That was something new and special to me. But all changed, as one day Edward Rochester, the owner of the manor, arrived. At that time he was about thirty-eight, dark haired, dark eyed, and ruggedly athletic.
First I hadn’t much to do with him, he was finally my employer. I liked him since I’ve seen him the first time but all the time he seemed to me a little bit mysterious. I don’t know why.
But one day, as Mr. Rochester sought out my company more frequently, I came to understand and respect him even more and we became good friends. The days, months and finally years in Thornfield died away. But one day, I found myself falling in love with my own employer.
I felt this already a long time ago, since I saw Edward the first time, but I even did not wanted to disavow my feelings for him. Finally my lovesickness for him got even stronger, from day to day. I decided to stop living like this way for a longer time; the feelings for Mr. Rochester made me sick. But I could not say to my own employer that I love him, in no way!!! Never!
And furthermore I was sure that he does not feel the same for me! It was such a horrible time…and it became even worse! A month later, I tried to commit suicide. I was at the end of my energy! But I couldn’t accomplish it!!! My love for him was much stronger than myself! The only way I still had was, to admit him my feelings.
I wasn’t scared anymore. I felt free…
I sat in my room for three days… only drinking, eating and sleeping. I thought about how I can say Mr. Rochester what I have to say him… but before I could say anything I heard a voice out of my door, the voice shouted:” Jane! I LOVE YOU! I know everything! Please, come out of the room… I LOVE YOU!!!!!”
I can remember this scene very well.
A few minutes passed, and I wasn’t sure if I dreamed or not! I thought I’ve heard him… but I was also sure that this was not possible. First I did not believed my ears, all seemed to me like a long dream, like one of those many I had every night, one of them who made me sick, who slowly sucked me out internal!
I kept shut my ears. I did not believe but my eyes showed me the opposite!
It was essentially Mr. Rochester! I asked him again a few times, he always answered the same!
He loved me the whole time and I idiot didn’t recognise it.
I got a proposal of marriage and about a week later we married…
I hope our love will never end… I will love him until I close my eyes forever…
This was the story about my never ending first love.
